A Complaint Free World

I read today; an idea.
What if THIS is heaven?
I thought about this briefly and my first instinct was to panic a bit about how little time I may have here... and also the thought of - "then what"?
The question came from a book I've been reading about positive thought. The author was thinking aloud about the idea that life is what you make it.
Which I find refreshing considering the source. The author from what I understand is a preacher from a Christian Church in the United States. And I felt comforted, I suppose, that even someone with a strong belief system still questions the 'hear after'; and basically suggests "you better make this life really great, cause this could be all you have".
I've had a difficult time being positive since losing Reece. It certainly would be difficult for me to accept that this life I have had, has been my self-created version of heaven.
As far as I'm concerned, the past couple years have held more heart ache and pain then any version of hell I'd ever imagined.
After thinking a bit more I called my mother-in-law to come sit with the kids while I went to sit with Reece at the cemetery.
It's the most beautiful day.
Sunny, breezy and clear.
Her cemetery is the ultimate 'prairie experience'- a wide open expanse, defined by a hedge and surrounded by farmland. Nothing but blue sky going on and on forever.
There are a dozen or so pink roses in her vase on the monument. They all hang their head. As if they too feel as gutted and empty as I do in that moment.
When I first sat down (after first feeling offended by the state of the grass and large dandilions gone to seed) I intended on writing.
But instead I placed some small bright-yellow daisy-like flowers in with the sad pink roses.
A stark contrast.
The symbolism was not lost on me.
Reece was the sun in my life.
I cried and for the first time since I was a child I spoke to 'God'. I asked for a sign. Something tangible.
Some way of knowing that I'll see her again.
That 'this' isn't IT.
My thoughts turned immediately to Gabby and I thought perhaps that, that is my only sign. Maybe the sign that things will get better is that I am still here, despite my many pleas for God to take me too; so I could be with her.
I am still here and therefore, I must make it better myself.

Now, as I type this a few weeks removed from when I wrote it originally, I'm left to still wonder, what if this is it- I'm empowered now to make 'THIS" better but have not given up the small hope that there is something after this world.

reality strikes

re-typed from a journal entry written Sunday May 31.

It's a sunny day. 12 noon. The town is buzzing with activity. Out my breezy bedroom curtain I can hear Aiden running around the house, the porch door banging in the wind, a few lawn mowers working away, our dog's collar tags jingling as he runs through our yard. I lay on my bed tears streaming watching Gabby sleep on my bed.
Again today reality hit me. Reminding me of what I have lost. Kathy- Grant's Mom, who lives a block away found a box of Reece's clothing and other items (a Dora doll etc) in her garage. Grant and I looked through it quickly, most of it was new clothes that she had not worn yet. Most still had the tags on. I could barely remember the items. But there was a pair of light blue jeans and a light aqua blue t-shirt, that I thought I could remember her wearing. I often dressed her in blues because of her amazing blue eyes- like nothing I'd seen before. Like she could see through you.
In the faint hope of holding on to her in some small way I smelled the shirt.

I can barely write this as I now know how painful it was in that moment, and is now, to realize her smell was not on that shirt. Then I cried with the realization that all trace of her existence here in our home here in our world has been erased by time. I can barely remember her smell.

Right now I look at Gabby and with that I could hold her the way I would hold Reece. Her head nestled into my neck her hand on my shoulder, with her blankie in hand....
I know there's no use.
It's not the same.
I'll never have that back.
I told Grant this morning that I had done such a good job keeping it 'together' over the past month but now faced with another reminder of what we've lost I can't fake my happiness, my strength or my 'normalcy' today.
Today I am weak.
I am sad.
I am angry.
I am grieving.

Motherhood is a blessing. And a curse.
Like the famous quote says: becoming a mother is to forever thereafter watch your heart walk around outside of your body.
This is true.

As our finale fundraiser for the Reece Ryde Memorial Park Fund we are selling tickets to a Mother's Day Buffet supper to be held on Sunday May 10th @ 5 pm at the Dakota Dunes Casino. Tickets are $15/person and you must of course be over 19 to attend. We will be giving out a couple door prizes. The Grand prize being the signed Anika Soremstan tour golf bag donated by Callaway. This is a valuable prize as Anika has now retired from the sport!

Please contact our friends/family or email or call us @ home to get tickets. What better way to thank your mom for a job well done- than a great supper! And skip the line-ups at the busy restaurants!

Where We Stand

This is just a quick note, for all our friends, family and blog followers :) To let you know just where we are with regard to the Park development and Reece Ryde Memorial Park Fund.
Once the ground thaws, we have one small addition to make to the main play structure. All equipment has been paid for and is in place. We currently have a few golf-related items that were generously donated last year, that we will be raffling off (tickets will be ready to go in March- see sidebar for more info). I expect to meet with volunteers in Spring to discuss what will go in the park for landscaping items. This will largely be decided by the school, as they have already met with a landscaper last year for their own purposes of improving the look of the elementary school grounds. I believe she provided them with a list of appropriate plants, trees and shrubs that would do well in our climate and soil. After the landscaping/planting etc is complete, I would assume we will have some funds left over.
There's been much debate on what to do with the remaining funds. Initially we had hoped to be able to purchase a piece of equipment or pay for some kind of training (if wanted) for the Dundurn and Area's First Responder's however, it seems the only thing they are in need of is a new fire hall :) and now perhaps a new firetruck, from what I overheard at the last Town Council meeting... unfortunately we won't have THAT much left over ;) ha
Most importantly the money must be spent in a way that improves the lives of preschool children in Dundurn. That has always been the goal.
If you have any suggestions please do not hesitate to contact us! And we will keep you posted on any further developments! Hope we see you in the park :)

Live in the Moment

Finally! I think I am learning to live in the moment.
I've found I've always 'wished' my time away. Always focusing on what was to come and not taking the effort to focus on today.
This was especially true for the time I spent with our girls when they were babies.
When they were newborns, I wished for them to be a couple months old, so they would be sleeping through the nights and beginning to be more 'interactive'. Then when they were a few months old, looking forward to when they would start solid foods, and start 'talking'.
I realize now, I was wishing away my precious time with them. Although I of course have fond memories of all of those stages with the Aiden and Reece, I don't think that I really took the time each day to appreciate it for what it was.
Thankfully, whether it is due to my age, or just circumstances being what they are, I'm truly enjoying each and everyday with Gabby, and taking it all in. I have caught myself thinking and saying that I don't want her grow up! That I'm enjoying our time together. I love our middle of the night feedings and cuddles. I often find myself frozen in a snuggle long after her bottle has been finished! And I think, "It's late! I should go to bed!" but I can't move! I just want to listen to her little baby breathing and her self-soothing sighs she makes.
This 'living in the now' thing is a hard change for me to make. I often am tempted to take on projects and jobs that I find interesting, without initially realizing it will take time away from what is important to focus on TODAY. Now that I realize I do this, I'm hoping that I'll now be able to recognize when I'm ABOUT to do it. But this comes with maturity and practice I suppose.
I'm thankful that although, some lessons are learned late in life, they are not learned too late.
I'm posting a video Grant took of Gabby and I enjoying some time together the other day. She has been trying so very very hard to communicate with us. Yesterday while watching the Superbowl with her Daddy, she copied some of his "oohs". A proud moment for Daddy :)



I added the following video the day after the original post. Gabby loves talking with her Dad!

Painting in the rain

For a moment imagine yourself sitting at an easel, with paints in hand, ready to paint a dreamy multicoloured landscape. But with each brush stroke the clouds roll closer and rain drops begin to fall onto your page. You move your paint around to try to mask the water drops but the more you paint the harder it rains.

That is how I would describe grieving. At least mine. At least in this moment.

Although I think of Reece all the time. I can keep the moments of complete and overwhelming despair away for days at a time. But when that grief creeps up it is all-encompassing and cannot be ignored. It's like you are at day one again. The pain is as deep as the moment we were told she was not coming back.

Thanks to the new baby I can try to focus 'the now' and on happy times ahead. But unfortunately when imagining those happy memories we will make in future, I think of Reece and what she is missing, and what we are missing not having her here. I guess that is what makes the loss of a child so hard. You also grieve what would have been.

When we were picking names for the new baby the popular choice by all family and friends was "Grace" (we knew we were having a girl). It seemed fitting, but I was not sold on it.
A day or so before the baby made her debut the name 'Gabrielle' popped into my head. Grant seemed to like it so we added it to the running list.

After the baby was born, Grant and I had a brief moment alone in the surgery recovery room. I said "We need to name this baby!". We both thought quietly for a moment, and I said, 'Gabrielle'. And Grant looked at me and said he had been thinking the same thing. I said to him, that I didn't 'know why, but something about it sounded stronger than Grace'. I suppose with her being early and the possibility of the hospital sending her to Calgary without us for a NICU placement, I guess subconsciously I figured she needed all the strength she could get...

What is eery about this, is although we took much time and research naming our first 2 girls, we were stuck for a name this time and all I knew was that Gabrielle was the feminie form of Gabriel.

My mother-in-law, Isabelle, looked up the meaning, and fantasticly enough Gabrielle meant 'valiant warrior' or something close to that. I just recently looked it up and a common meaning is "hero of God" and "God's messenger".

After being home with baby a couple weeks I heard another eerie story about her name. I had met Grant at the mall, he walked me to the car and told me a story he heard that day from a friend and co-worker at the school. It was a story of loss, this friend had lost their mother. Afterwards I guess they had done some reading about angels etc, because she told Grant that when she heard we named the new baby Gabrielle she cried, because the archangel Gabriel, is the angel that helps children into heaven. She may have thought we knew this previously but we didn't!! Needless to say as soon as those words came out of Grant's mouth I broke down crying in the parking lot. It was so amazing and almost supernatural.

Some people may not think there is a connection between your name and who you are in personality etc. But for us we've seen a connection for all our girls. First after having a scary medical emergency during my pregnancy with Aiden we knew her name meaning 'little fire' would suit her well, as she was always strong and unwavering during the emergency. She was perfectly healthy and now as an older kid, is very stubborn and independent.
Reece means 'enthusiastic' and anyone that knew her can tell you that is the best way to describe her, as she was always friendly, interested, and would try to find ways to entertain herself and others one her own.
So when we picked Gabrielle, we were hoping that the sense of 'strength' I felt in that name would help Gabrielle overcome her 'preemie issues', it did... and finding out the connection to the archangel Gabriel and his connection to children (and therefore Reece) hints to me that there are other 'forces' at work in this world.
At least I hope there is.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gabriel

http://www.luckymojo.com/archangelgabriel.html

http://www.sarahsarchangels.com/gabriel.html

New Addition

This week has been a whirlwind so far. But luckily in a positive and healing way!
We officially have all the items in the park paid-in-full! So, with the funds we have left and perhaps yet to receive/raise we will beautify and enhance the park for the little ones in Dundurn.
You might have thought by the title of the blog 'new addition' that we bought another fun item for the kids to play with in the park- but no! We actually welcomed 'our' new addition - Gabrielle Cassandra Ryde- to our family Monday November 17th, around supper time!
As we have been overwhelmed with calls, emails, Facebook messages etc etc asking 'how things went', I thought I'd write it once and save myself some energy.

Here's how it went:

'It' - the journey to having Gabrielle, as it were, began last week Sunday. When I went to the hospital with contractions (2nd day in a row). Was told they weren't 'doing' anything (physically) - just driving me crazy :) And to go home and wait some more.
THEN, this Sunday I went to be around 10 p.m. and shortly after those very same contractions came and went through the night, every 1/2 hour to every 15 minutes.
In the a.m. I counted them, coming closer together, with the same level of mild intensity, but not going away. Grant and I had an appointment at the Mall in the a.m. (9) so after taking Aiden to the sitter I headed to the city, and Grant was already in the city at school.
We joked about 'Murphy's Law' that morning, and I left my hospital bag AND camera at home, thinking we did want to have the baby but if we showed up 'prepared to stay' we'd be turned away.
...it worked!
After our appointment (and freaking out our banker! who was worried I might go into full on labour in her office! ha ha), we headed to the hospital.

With a mix of excitement, worry, happiness and great expectations we walked into emergency. While waiting to be 'processed' it hit me suddenly where we were, the last place I held my precious Reece. I looked around and behind me was the room, we were herded into upon our arrival the Emerg. when we followed the ambulance to the city that awful morning. I started to cry, but quickly looked to Grant, hoping that he too, wasn't in the same place emotionally and could be a distraction or source of strength. Luckily he was, he redirected my thoughts unto the task at hand and quickly we were through the processing and upstairs in the maternity ward hooked up to a fetal monitor (my favourite machine in the world) watching my contractions come and go.
I was 2 cm a resident told me, and so, the waiting game began. Drs were hoping the contractions would stop and we could get a few more days out of the pregnancy, as having a baby at 36 weeks, although considered full term, is not ideal.
So we waited a few more hours, and then a few more. Nothing changed other than the contractions became a bit more intense near the end.
We had a c-section around 6:30 or so.
We held our breath waiting to hear that first cry, and heard a few little noises but not any full-on screams.
Turned out that as a result of being a c-section baby and perhaps because she was a little early, she was very mucousy and needed a little extra oxygen as breathing on her own was not getting enough oxygen into her blood.
She would need to be watched and therefore would need to be in the NICU.

Here's where the drama begins...

The Saskatoon RUH NICU was full. No room at the Inn. NO VACANCY.
As were Regina and Edmonton.
We were told that she would need to be flown to Calgary with 2 nurses and MAYBE, if there was room in the plane, her Dad!
Obviously we were scared to death to say the least.
After about an hour, a miracle happened.
A NICU baby had graduated into the regular nursery! And there was room for our little one.
Ironicly enough, the very next day, when I went to see her for the first time in NICU we were told she was going to the regular nursery, and was just a little 'pukey' when she ate.

Within 24 hours she was just fine. Small, mind you, but fine.

That was Tuesday a.m.

Yesterday, after they ran standard tests and did a billirubin test to see how bad her jaundice was (it's minimal so far), we were given the go ahead to go home that evening!

And here we are.


Introducing:
Gabrielle Cassandra Ryde
Weight: 6lbs 10oz
Length: 52 cm (20.5 inches)