Painting in the rain

For a moment imagine yourself sitting at an easel, with paints in hand, ready to paint a dreamy multicoloured landscape. But with each brush stroke the clouds roll closer and rain drops begin to fall onto your page. You move your paint around to try to mask the water drops but the more you paint the harder it rains.

That is how I would describe grieving. At least mine. At least in this moment.

Although I think of Reece all the time. I can keep the moments of complete and overwhelming despair away for days at a time. But when that grief creeps up it is all-encompassing and cannot be ignored. It's like you are at day one again. The pain is as deep as the moment we were told she was not coming back.

Thanks to the new baby I can try to focus 'the now' and on happy times ahead. But unfortunately when imagining those happy memories we will make in future, I think of Reece and what she is missing, and what we are missing not having her here. I guess that is what makes the loss of a child so hard. You also grieve what would have been.

When we were picking names for the new baby the popular choice by all family and friends was "Grace" (we knew we were having a girl). It seemed fitting, but I was not sold on it.
A day or so before the baby made her debut the name 'Gabrielle' popped into my head. Grant seemed to like it so we added it to the running list.

After the baby was born, Grant and I had a brief moment alone in the surgery recovery room. I said "We need to name this baby!". We both thought quietly for a moment, and I said, 'Gabrielle'. And Grant looked at me and said he had been thinking the same thing. I said to him, that I didn't 'know why, but something about it sounded stronger than Grace'. I suppose with her being early and the possibility of the hospital sending her to Calgary without us for a NICU placement, I guess subconsciously I figured she needed all the strength she could get...

What is eery about this, is although we took much time and research naming our first 2 girls, we were stuck for a name this time and all I knew was that Gabrielle was the feminie form of Gabriel.

My mother-in-law, Isabelle, looked up the meaning, and fantasticly enough Gabrielle meant 'valiant warrior' or something close to that. I just recently looked it up and a common meaning is "hero of God" and "God's messenger".

After being home with baby a couple weeks I heard another eerie story about her name. I had met Grant at the mall, he walked me to the car and told me a story he heard that day from a friend and co-worker at the school. It was a story of loss, this friend had lost their mother. Afterwards I guess they had done some reading about angels etc, because she told Grant that when she heard we named the new baby Gabrielle she cried, because the archangel Gabriel, is the angel that helps children into heaven. She may have thought we knew this previously but we didn't!! Needless to say as soon as those words came out of Grant's mouth I broke down crying in the parking lot. It was so amazing and almost supernatural.

Some people may not think there is a connection between your name and who you are in personality etc. But for us we've seen a connection for all our girls. First after having a scary medical emergency during my pregnancy with Aiden we knew her name meaning 'little fire' would suit her well, as she was always strong and unwavering during the emergency. She was perfectly healthy and now as an older kid, is very stubborn and independent.
Reece means 'enthusiastic' and anyone that knew her can tell you that is the best way to describe her, as she was always friendly, interested, and would try to find ways to entertain herself and others one her own.
So when we picked Gabrielle, we were hoping that the sense of 'strength' I felt in that name would help Gabrielle overcome her 'preemie issues', it did... and finding out the connection to the archangel Gabriel and his connection to children (and therefore Reece) hints to me that there are other 'forces' at work in this world.
At least I hope there is.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gabriel

http://www.luckymojo.com/archangelgabriel.html

http://www.sarahsarchangels.com/gabriel.html

New Addition

This week has been a whirlwind so far. But luckily in a positive and healing way!
We officially have all the items in the park paid-in-full! So, with the funds we have left and perhaps yet to receive/raise we will beautify and enhance the park for the little ones in Dundurn.
You might have thought by the title of the blog 'new addition' that we bought another fun item for the kids to play with in the park- but no! We actually welcomed 'our' new addition - Gabrielle Cassandra Ryde- to our family Monday November 17th, around supper time!
As we have been overwhelmed with calls, emails, Facebook messages etc etc asking 'how things went', I thought I'd write it once and save myself some energy.

Here's how it went:

'It' - the journey to having Gabrielle, as it were, began last week Sunday. When I went to the hospital with contractions (2nd day in a row). Was told they weren't 'doing' anything (physically) - just driving me crazy :) And to go home and wait some more.
THEN, this Sunday I went to be around 10 p.m. and shortly after those very same contractions came and went through the night, every 1/2 hour to every 15 minutes.
In the a.m. I counted them, coming closer together, with the same level of mild intensity, but not going away. Grant and I had an appointment at the Mall in the a.m. (9) so after taking Aiden to the sitter I headed to the city, and Grant was already in the city at school.
We joked about 'Murphy's Law' that morning, and I left my hospital bag AND camera at home, thinking we did want to have the baby but if we showed up 'prepared to stay' we'd be turned away.
...it worked!
After our appointment (and freaking out our banker! who was worried I might go into full on labour in her office! ha ha), we headed to the hospital.

With a mix of excitement, worry, happiness and great expectations we walked into emergency. While waiting to be 'processed' it hit me suddenly where we were, the last place I held my precious Reece. I looked around and behind me was the room, we were herded into upon our arrival the Emerg. when we followed the ambulance to the city that awful morning. I started to cry, but quickly looked to Grant, hoping that he too, wasn't in the same place emotionally and could be a distraction or source of strength. Luckily he was, he redirected my thoughts unto the task at hand and quickly we were through the processing and upstairs in the maternity ward hooked up to a fetal monitor (my favourite machine in the world) watching my contractions come and go.
I was 2 cm a resident told me, and so, the waiting game began. Drs were hoping the contractions would stop and we could get a few more days out of the pregnancy, as having a baby at 36 weeks, although considered full term, is not ideal.
So we waited a few more hours, and then a few more. Nothing changed other than the contractions became a bit more intense near the end.
We had a c-section around 6:30 or so.
We held our breath waiting to hear that first cry, and heard a few little noises but not any full-on screams.
Turned out that as a result of being a c-section baby and perhaps because she was a little early, she was very mucousy and needed a little extra oxygen as breathing on her own was not getting enough oxygen into her blood.
She would need to be watched and therefore would need to be in the NICU.

Here's where the drama begins...

The Saskatoon RUH NICU was full. No room at the Inn. NO VACANCY.
As were Regina and Edmonton.
We were told that she would need to be flown to Calgary with 2 nurses and MAYBE, if there was room in the plane, her Dad!
Obviously we were scared to death to say the least.
After about an hour, a miracle happened.
A NICU baby had graduated into the regular nursery! And there was room for our little one.
Ironicly enough, the very next day, when I went to see her for the first time in NICU we were told she was going to the regular nursery, and was just a little 'pukey' when she ate.

Within 24 hours she was just fine. Small, mind you, but fine.

That was Tuesday a.m.

Yesterday, after they ran standard tests and did a billirubin test to see how bad her jaundice was (it's minimal so far), we were given the go ahead to go home that evening!

And here we are.


Introducing:
Gabrielle Cassandra Ryde
Weight: 6lbs 10oz
Length: 52 cm (20.5 inches)

With Each Step Forward

I'm guessing that by now, people (in general) would be expecting that my grief would be somewhat lessened being that is has been almost 11 months since we lost Reece.

I sit watching the cursor blink, and I'm not entirely sure how to word my thoughts on this contemplation.

I know I had hoped that at sometime I would be blessed with some sort of enlightenment, a moment of bright light and a weight lifted from my heart. Perhaps a vision or dream, that would make me feel 'better', and maybe even convince me of an enchanted afterlife where our Reecey is playing and watching over us in a blissful happiness that could never have been attained here on earth.

But I can't lie. I've had none of this. In fact, for me I think everything is just as it was the morning I lost her.

Certainly, we, I, go about our days, weeks, months. Planning ahead. Trudging through. Towards what I don't know. The calendar keeps moving forward and yet part of us is still stuck in the past.

For some reason when Reece was here I had a fairly clear picture of where life would lead me, and us as a family. I had ideas of where I wanted to go for a career. What I had hoped to see our girls get involved in. What I hoped to see Grant aspire to in his career, and how we would all share in that as a family...

but now

everything went blank December 27th.

Maybe because this year didn't really happen for us. It's like 2008 did not exist. This year was dedicated to Reece and her memory, building a park, Grant busy with a new steady job, but still not 'permanent', Aiden dealing with her anxieties and adjusting to school, and me fumbling through work days, one just like the other, attempting to move us forward out of this rut with a pregnancy, which will soon be over....

then what?

Halloween came this year as always. I was less excited than usual perhaps because it took all the energy I had to try to be excited and not think about how I had looked so forward to last Halloween, when Reece was a lobster and Aiden was Snow White (for the 3rd year in a row!).

Last year, I had left my job with the City to, I suppose, force myself to make a career choice. To find something to pursue as a true 'career'. I was in the middle of an exciting journey. Our family was doing well. Reece hadn't had many ear infections, her health seemed to be turning around. She had less eczema outbreaks, and Aiden was coming into her own. We were in a new community, making friends and everything was full of promise. Grant was finding success and positive feedback from his temp work, which gave us much hope for the year.

We had so much to be thankful for.

This Halloween, we had decided to have a couple friends over, just as adults, dress up and have a few laughs. We didn't realize how hard this 'fun' time was going to be.

It was of course a Friday. Grant got home exhausted from a week of dealing with apathetic teens, running around, coaching etc etc I was wore out from yet another sleepless week, and a long day of being very uncomfortable.

We sat and cried together for a bit. The realization of how things looked before and how they were now, and perhaps scared and unsure of what the future holds hit us, I suppose.

Luckily it was too late to cancel the party. I told Grant it's not going to get easier for us, so we have to just keep going. I said it would be good 'practice' for Christmas. We just have to 'get through it'.

I know it was harder for him. I don't allow myself much time to think about our loss, because I'm pregnant, I can focus completely on this new person, and even if I tried not to, her pushes and kicks force my train of thought her way. Grant does not have that distraction.

We are in two different places right now in our grieving, that is for sure.

I suppose I should re-word that, to be truthful, he is grieving and I am doing everything I can not to.

We had 'family' pictures done a few weeks ago. I wanted this done for a few reasons, one to document the fact that I was pregnant (as not much evidence exists of the fact I had 2 other babies). Also, to get Aiden geared up and excited about her role as the big sister, and also, perhaps to show this baby that we were excited about her arrival before she got here.

I felt bad though, about doing the pictures. Our first ones without Reece. It seems unfair to call them 'family' pictures without her included.
I know it upset Grant as well.
He looks at the pictures and says he's happy with how they turned out... but there is such a pain in his eyes that it almost scares me.
I worry that he won't allow himself to completely open up his heart to this new baby. To maybe protect himself from getting hurt again, or to somehow 'honor' Reece... it's complicated and the mind works in different ways.

Probably a silly worry as anyone the knows him, knows he was meant to be a dad. It's a role that comes natural to him, whether he'd admit it or not. It was part of what drew me to him when we met. Babies (literally little babies) and kids of varying ages are drawn to him. I've witnessed a baby (Rach's daughter Emma) at about 8 mths old crying, not wanting to be comforted by her own grandparents, crawl over to Grant, without him saying a word, and at that time a complete stranger to her; put her arms up and cuddle on his shoulder. The look on her Grandparents faces was priceless.

But he is in a place right now that I wish I could help him out of. And I just hope he doesn't grow to resent me for trying for force us forward but adding this new baby into our family.
God knows that I could never replace or replicate Reece. She was my soulmate and idol. I don't expect to ever have that same connection again.
But we need to somehow keep putting one foot in front of the other, and hope that the pieces of our lives that have been jumbled up, will somehow reform and we'll have a picture of the future again.
A different picture, but at least something to look at.

That Time of Year Again

Last blog, I had succumbed to the virus making it's rounds in Saskatoon (thanks Grant!) and now just when I thought we were safe, Aiden has caught it. Poor kid, her eyes glazed, no energy, no appetite, sore throat (which I am hoping is just part of the virus and not the beginnings of strep in addition to this cold!) stuffy nose and cough. She said this morning "I'm not moving off this couch!". This was her response to my suggestion that we go see the family Dr. to get some advice on the situation. Funny how her attitude was basically a reflection of how I am feeling now!

This weekend for most people was a weekend to relax, watch some football and hockey, visit with family and gorge on turkey dinners and pumpkin desserts. For our family, we did manage to fit in one family supper on Sunday which was fantastic, but the rest of the weekend was filled by the sound of the clock ticking down to various deadlines Grant and I have.
For example, with Grant's teaching comes hours of marking/planning, between marking he was trying to fit in chores such as oil changes, yard work for his Gramma, recycling, and taking care of the 'baby' countdown chores, like setting up the crib, moving dressers from one floor to another, re-organizing the baby room (which he decided last night, needs to moved around AGAIN due to poor heating in that room). Aiden and I tried to fit in crafts, decorating for Halloween, catching up on 2 weeks of laundry :( , sorting and organizing bags of baby clothes.

I can safely say that Grant and I both were looking forward to going to work today for a rest! haha
However, I'm at home with Aiden and neither of us has much energy to do anything more than our one quick outing to the family store to load up on popsicles for her throat. We have been hard at work pinning down couches, watching YTV and Hannah Montana, and catering to our very annoying dog that thinks were are here only to let him in and outdoors every 10 minutes just for kicks.
I can only imagine things are going to get crazier as the weeks pass and Christmas gets closer. I've forewarned all relatives that we (or at least I) plan to do absolutely nothing over the Christmas season this year. However, it's going to be very difficult to fight the urge not to send out 100 Christmas cards and bake like I'm feeding the entire military. Thankfully, this ol' body has been pretty good at signaling to me when I've reached my limit on 'running around'.
For obvious reasons Christmas will be difficult this year, and I almost dread getting together with family as last years Christmas memories are still so fresh. All of us were together, watching Aiden and Reece enjoy their various presents. Aiden making her Uncle Steve and Auntie Vanessa play Polly Pocket, and Reece stealing Gramma Isabelle's fancy animal print high heeled boots, determined to walk around the living room to show them off, eventually giving in to accepting some assistance from Gramma Kathy. Christmas Day relaxing at my Mum & Dad's, cuddling with Reece and then making a trip to emergency because her ear infections were back...

Needless to say we will be grateful to have the positive distraction of a new baby and breaking tradition can always be a good thing too.

Speaking of distractions- Halloween is my favourite time of year. It's a time that is a celebration of creativity and fun! I know many people will remember from last year, that Reecey was a lobster, it was a hit costume everywhere she went! And she thought it was pretty great.
This year Aiden has been a wonderful help in creating and picking out various decor for the house. See below - some of our Halloween decor so far!!

Just a re-post

Cold & flu season seems to have come early this year. Unfortunately for us it has hit our house. And as the pattern goes, when my defences are down, the sadness creeps in and takes over.
So needless to say, a day in bed yesterday led to a teary call to Grant at the school-day's end asking him to pick up flowers for Reece and for him to come home and take me to her.

I was laying in bed, thinking of my 'letter to Reece' homework that was assigned to me by my therapist months and months ago. That I have not been able to write. I've been thinking of it more often now, and almost felt like I could write it. But my mind swirls with guilt and regrets, and that letter becomes a rambling novel. Regrets that I will never see Reece and Aiden grow together as sisters, and see what her interests would have been. They were such a perfect match. Aiden very independent, stubborn, a leader and bossy. Reece also happily independent, but always admiring her big sister and enjoying her time with her, but never 'following' her. She was happy to go about her own 'business', but was very happy when her sister included her in play. It was such a beautiful balance between the two girls. Reece always seemed to play the role that whomever, was with her in that moment, needed.

I was the one who put her to bed every night. It was our ritual. I would carry her to her room. She would have her 'suzy' (pacifier) and her blankie. I would stand by her crib for a few moments rocking, hugging and kissing her. Then I would always say "you know mummy loves you? You're mummy's angel baby!" Then I would lay her in her crib. Sometimes she would respond with a little grunt, as if to say 'uh huh'. Then most but not all nights, we would play a little game, where if she did her little 'uh' grunt I would repeat it as I left the room, and then she would do so in return. We would go back and forth until we could no longer hear each other.

Worries crept in yesterday that what if this baby I am carrying now is that same personality type as Aiden. They would inevitably clash. Maybe they would both grow to resent me for creating this new family situation, one mad that the new baby sister is not like Reece, and the other resentful that she was brought into a situation where she would always be compared and never live up to that 'standard' set by a sister she never knew. I know this is out of my hands, what will be will be. However, this again is something I feel guilty about.

These (I think) are a mix of things that a grieving mother may likely 'normally' feel in this same situation as well, mixed with the way my mind works having anxiety to begin with. I was told once by the Dr. I first saw about my anxiety, that even if I didn't have 'anxiety', I'd probably be a 'worrier' .

Anyway, as I gained some composure, late last night I thought of some clips we have of Reece being Reece. Forever the entertainer. Reminding me SO much of Howie Mandel. I think because I remember hearing a story about him as a grade 8 kid calling various contracting companies pretending to be the Principal of his school, taking tenders on a brand new construction on the school property. As contractors started showing up on school grounds taking measurements, the Principal went out to investigate. The contractors would say "Nice to meet you, you must be the Principal Mr. Mandel!!)
Needless to say his parents were called in and he got into a bit of trouble.
I however, being a one-time middle years teacher, found this amazingly brilliant, and completely hilarious!! I could never get mad at a kid THAT creative!
This was something I saw in Reece. Her silly antics, that she would come up with on her own, always shocked me and was something that I was so excited to see where it led. We always joked that her college fund we had set up was going to be used either for Acting school or bail :)

She left us in stitches many times over.
So I thought I would re-post one of my favourite clips of her. see below:

Park Development

Here are the latest pictures of the park, as you can see it is 'coming along'. This week we'll smooth out the pea gravel a bit more, and add some if/where needed. As well, as hanging the baby swings! (I can't wait to use those next summer!) Just click to see the picture in larger detail!

Park build weekend.

Here's a pic of the park being built. It now has pea gravel in heaps ready to be pushed around! Then we can put the baby swings in and hopefully Blue Imp will eventually send us the 'back ordered' part for the main structure (as Tic Tac Toe board).

We will be putting up the fence around the park likely in a week or two. And in a couple weekends there will also be a 'work bee' to install the outdoor ice rink directly behind the park! The kids are lucky this year! 2 new developments just for them!

Surprisingly, I've heard there are couple people that are less than happy about the park. I find this terribly disappointing. I can't understand why someone wouldn't want a park for the littlest people in our community. In fact, apparently they would prefer to see the spot stay completely empty- as it was, with 2 flowers pots and 2 old benches.

Yeah... I don't get it.

I think this bothers me so much because I feel like they don't care about Reece. I take it personally and I suppose I shouldn't. However, I'm not going to make apologies for feeling the way I do. I'm Reecey's mom and stupid, selfish, ignorant people, with whacked out personal agendas (like trying to stop progress), tick me off.
This is my baby's park and it will bring lots of giggles and happiness to the littlest (AND most IMPORTANT people) in our community.

I had hoped to have they're ('they' being these old guys that are crabbing about the park) support and work together to make the spot not only USEFUL but also beautiful, with their input about what types of plants, trees and flowers to put around the park... guess that won't be happening.

I posted this without Grant editing it, so I'll probably get into trouble for being so honest about this, but it's been REALLY ticking me off!!

Build week!!

It's here! Build weekend. The construction started this week with the Town (thanks Trevor & Sam) excavating the site for us.
I'm attaching a video (it's quick!) so that everyone can see where the park is going and what it's looking like right now. We also have more equipment not laying out, in case people are wondering... 'gee that doesn't look like much stuff!!"
Please also let others know the fundraising IS NOT OVER!! Some of our expenses were under-estimated and we definitely need to continue our fundraising through September (as planned, however with a greater 'push'!) Thanks to Rach & friends in Athabasca, AB for also doing a Home & Gift party it should help us a lot!.
I am also hosting a Home & Gift party on Sept 14th (Sunday from 1-4) at 215 Carson St in Dundurn, however if you can't make it I can still get you catalogues (there's 2! the reg. housewares one and also the Christmas catalogue is available now!!)
30% of regular sales go to the park. I'm hoping that we can raise about $1000 for the park. This should hopefully get us in the clear! We had also hoped to be able to purchase trees, shrubs, planters and plants but that may have to wait until next year and perhaps another 1950's theme dance in the Spring!
This week has been intensely stressful, much more so than Grant and I had expected. Grant of course is now full-time teaching, no longer a 'fill-in' teacher, and is experiencing all those 'first year teacher' joys! (committees, extra curricular, planning, meetings, kids... and on and on). Can't say I miss any of that, well if I could just get paid for the kids & extra curricular and skip all the rest... :) but I digress...
...some mix-ups with missing parts in our order, finding out we're going to be moving/spreading (and paying for!) 2x the amount of pea gravel as first thought, AND having some equipment show up 1 day earlier than expected AND trying to find some men in town in the middle of the day to help unload it!! (good luck!!)
But just as I began to stress, our town proves it rocks yet again and just gets it done when it needs to get done! BIG THANKS to the students and staff at Dundurn Elementary School. Who got all the equipment unloaded safely! Hope we see all of you at the party on Monday.
Here's our little video of Day one :)
I'll keep you updated at the weekend progresses.

Wrapping Up

Well here we are - August. Late August! "Where did the summer go!" seems to be the comment in the air everywhere I turn. As everyone knows now, we are very close to reaching our 'goal' of $36,000. We have had some donations come in this month that had now pushed up to our goal I'm sure and with a couple remaining fundraiser items & an event to wrap up, we will be completely done fundraising for the park by September's end. An entire year ahead of schedule! Simply amazing.
One donation we received this month came from Darci @ Enigma Salon (click on it to go to the site- it's great!) Darci is Grant's hairdresser and her salon completed a cut-a-thon and donated to proceeds to the park! THANKS DARCI!!
The second very large fundraising effort that happened this month was at the Saskatoon Bluecross office on 2nd ave. They held a 'casual day' last week and then today took in office donations on a lottery ticket raffle. The 2 events raised close to $1000. I cannot express in words how deeply thankful we are to all those that have supported this park. So big thanks to the Staff Committee at Bluecross Saskatoon and to Michelle Huber & Trena Pfefferle for their work today! And of course everyone in Group Claims and throughout the organization that have been so extremely supportive.
As I update the fundraiser balance over September, I hope to create a more complete listing of everyone that has helped.

This weekend will be the 'park build'.
It will get underway likely Thursday night or Friday a.m. with the Town Foreman prepping the site. On Friday the Blue Imp equipment will arrive (see park picture from earlier blogs). The Little Tikes equipment is already in town. Saturday we will be drilling holes and putting everything together. Then we will mix cement and fill the holes, then spread the pea gravel. Hopefully everything will go much quicker than I am expecting (we've been lucky so far!!) and perhaps mostly everything will be done by Sat night and the Monday Grand Opening celebration will actually include the kids getting to try out the equipment!Either way, on Monday we are having a celebration and everyone is invited! ESPECIALLY those with pre-school aged kiddies. From 1-3 we will be having snacks and a concert performed by Saskatchewan's own children's entertainer Sylvia Chave! (click on her name to check her out!) This promises to be a lot of fun, and a great opportunity for people to come see where their donations have gone! Not to mention, a great way to get all the families and children from town together!

Sugar and Spice

Today we had an ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby. With everything that has happened this year, I felt strongly, that I wanted to know and name this baby before he/she was born. I suppose to celebrate it from the beginning and start the bonding process more meaningfully?! I don't know why, but I thought it would somehow put my mind at ease 'knowing' more about this new addition.

And I can honestly say it already has. As we left the clinic I felt a weight lifted and a genuine happiness knowing that my 'motherly' instincts were confirmed and that we knew baby #3 just a bit more.

You see, when I was expecting Aiden, we were unable to find out 'what' we were having at the first ultrasound, but I wanted a girl and felt that was what I was having (but of course didn't want to 'say it out loud' and chance jinxing the outcome). Turned out my instincts were correct.

With Reece, I had hoped for a boy, however; always felt it was going to be a girl. We waited until the end and discovered that again, my 'motherly instincts' had been correct. And happily so, by then end we realized that another girl would be much easier on Aiden (and therefore on us!! as she was in the midst of the terrible 3-4's!!)

Again, this time looks like we are having another girl!!!

Although the technician couldn't 100% confirm the gender, she said she felt comfortable at this stage to say she was 80% sure it was a girl. I'm going to try to post a couple videos so you can see what we saw during the ultrasound.

Before we start getting emails/comments/calls etc. - no we did not have a 3D ultrasound. It was the typical 2d, however she tried to take a couple pictures that were in 3D but they did not turn out as baby was very active. Which honestly was FINE with me (at 22-23 weeks gestation, a baby is not exactly 'pudgy and cute' - not even a pound yet!). So 2D leaves a bit to the imagination, which I am quite comfortable with :)

Video 1 is the baby sucking on some of her fingers. Video 2 is footage from the bum looking up between the legs, you'll notice there is a lack of....something.. what you do see (that may confuse some that have not seen lots of ultrasounds) is the umbilical cord- don't be confused :) the 3 video, if I can get it on here, will be the babies face shot. However the video was not working for me earlier. My apologies if you cannot get these to work on your computer for whatever reason, but we were only provided with a CD with movie files (AVI) no jpegs.

A Trip 'Home'

As I sit in a quiet, empty house, the dog beside me on the couch I focus on the task at hand. A new post for the blog. I've been neglecting the blog as of late. I suppose doing what I have done best for year...avoiding.

You see I have anxiety. It stems from some unfounded fear of dying. Although I've been scrutinized by doctors, therapists, psychiatrists there is no basis for this fear to have developed in my formative years. No tragedy, no trauma, no early exposure to death or dying. In fact the first close personal loss I ever experienced was that of my grandmother when I was 18 or so. So, I guess it just comes down to a chemical issue. So- the way I dealt with this fear was to avoid anything relating to death. For years I did this. It is so ingrained in who I am I still do it without conscious thought. I have always been a sensitive person, emotional and too sympathetic. I avoid movies where someone gets 'picked on' for any reason. I change the radio station when a sad song comes on. Completely on auto-pilot.

Needless to say although I have had my anxiety completely under control since before Reece was born, even though my anxiety had not been an issue I still avoided these things, even though I could probably handle the exposure.

Now I am at another stage in this mixed up, chemical, emotional, situational ...crux.

I have now been dealt the worst, in your face, reality based situation one can be exposed to. The loss of our Reecey. I made it through the first few months with medications and shock. Then my avoidance mechanism took over, back to work I went, going through the motions. Soon, this started to not work so well, especially when complicated by my becoming pregnant and trying to go medication free. Obviously, common sense would tell you that this could not last, and it didn't.
I broke down, physically and emotionally. Morning sickness coupled with migraines and constant anxiety and guilt about not measuring up at work and home, I had to take some time off.

During this time, I met with our counselor. He posed some tough questions to me, challenging my thought processes. Which was terribly difficult. He discovered that as a result of my cultural influences, I have a difficult time 'letting go' emotionally (at least when it comes to sadness). How very British of me.
...Lovely.
Apparently tea and toast isn't going to fix this state I'm in :)

SO, the work begins.

My first bit of homework given to me was to write a letter to Reece, THEN to write back to myself from her.

I can't even write that sentence (above) without crying. Imagine how difficult these letters would be. It's been over a month, and I still can't do it.

During this time, we took a trip 'home' (for me anyway). I suppose I have a bit of gypsy in my personality. As a result of our moving a fair bit when I was little I have a difficult 'settling' down. We've been in Saskatoon for years. Certainly far longer than any other place, however it is not home. I feel very little connection to it, other than many great friends. I think when I think of "home" I picture a little village we lived in when I was in grades 4 through 8. It's called Havre Boucher. A French settlement, but mainly English speaking residents now of course. Which is why locals pronounce it "haver bushy". Anyway, when someone says 'home' to me I have always pictured the view from the road directly between the Havre Boucher elementary school and the Catholic church. Situated on a hill in the heart of the community, you could look out and see the ocean. (Neither building as I remember them, are there now). There were stories of ghost ships sailing through the waters there and such rich history.




We traveled to NewBrunswick for my Papa's memorial, then onto Nova Scotia, where my parents have 're-settled' for their retirement. Not near Havre Boucher, but you can see the ocean from their living room window and when you go to town to shop, you hear the beautiful 'accents' of the east.

I fully understand how farmers on the Prairies have a connection to the land and stick with farming no matter how tough. It's home. I too have that connection, but to the east.

I thought I would find it difficult to return from the trip, but the truth was (and this was an awakening for me), I was relieved to come home. I felt physically and emotionally, more at peace, upon our return to Dundurn. I even gained a couple of much needed pounds the first week back.

I guess this was a taste of serendipity for me. Reece chose Dundurn for us, in many ways, and this has now been solidified.

I suppose this is part of my letter to her, to thank her for choosing our home for us. For showing me where and how to settle down.

But the real letter will have to wait. I'm just not there yet. Grant however, is much braver than I (in my opinion). Grant however, points out that " we are on different paths". Although he doesn't have to unteach himself the bad habit of 'avoidance'. He has been writing and reading on and off since the beginning of our grieving. It is so intensely difficult, I watch him do it and am so proud of him. Admittedly, I can see now it may take me longer to learn to live with our loss than perhaps Grant. As I heard of another couple who lost a teenage son in a tragic accident; the mother allowed each moment of sadness to over take her and almost welcomed the pain. Eventually as the years passed those moments likely came less and further apart, until one day she seemed to feel some peace after having a dream about her son. I can see that Grant is likely on that path. The starting stepping stone maybe, but still further ahead than I think I am. I am just grateful he is leading the way and following his own path, and not sitting stagnant beside me.

To close on a lighter side- (Rachel will like this)- it seems Grant is finally 'my rock'!! (for those that were at our wedding you'll know what that's about :)

Papa

Saturday July 5th was the memorial service for George W. Sampson. George was "Papa" to me. My maternal grandfather to be specific. I thought I would share his obituary with you, as he played such a huge role in my life, especially knowing Reece- she was a miniature version of him!

SAMPSON, GEORGE W A memorial and Legion Tribute will be held at the Oromocto Funeral Home July 5 at 1:30 pm. Burial of ashes will follow at St. Vincent De Paul Cemetery. A reception will be held at the Oromocto Legion Branch 93. George was a veteran of the Korean War. He joined the RCR Special Forces in August 1950. This unit was specifically made up of men to fight in Korea. George was trained in Tacoma, WA as a Bren Gunner and was seriously wounded in October 1951. He spent months in the hospital from Japan to Lancaster Hospital in Saint John. He was honourably discharged in August 1952. George was past-president and service officer and life member of Oromocto Legion Branch 93. He was also a member of the War Amps of Canada.

Papa passed away 2 weeks after our little Reece. This was significant as they were like two peas in a pod. Grant and I would often see Reece do something that only an experienced comedian would do, and we couldn't figure out where she got this inate timing and talent from... after some thought, it was obvious - she got it from her Papa George! My Nanna told Papa that Reece had passed away, she said he didn't really talk after that. After a few days/weeks he gave in to his weakened condition and went to heaven to take care of Reece for us, as he is the only one qualified.

It was an emotional and beautiful memorial service, taken to an entirely new level of respect and class with the attendance of the local Legion members, each saluting Papa's picture and ashes and everyone wearing poppies and putting them on a cross in front of him. It was intense.

Many ridiculously hilarious stories were shared about him. My cousin Shannon gathered some great ones, most had something to do with his fake leg. Like the time he threw out his old leg in a box and waited, watching out the window to see what would happen when the 'surprise garbage' was picked up. The poor garbage man, had the scare of his life!
There was also the story of the time Papa & Nan were in Canadian Tire and the foot broke off Papa's fake leg. Nan tracked down a clerk and asked for 'a bag to put part of her husband's leg in to get it home'!!! Can you imagine the look on that guys face?! haha He was an inspiration, he treated life like an adventure and a chance to laugh as much as you can.

However, the service was much more emotional than I had been expecting. I suppose living so very far away, allowed me to distance myself from this loss a bit. I read a speech I prepared, but wasn't sure I would get through. Normally I don't have a problem with public speaking, even reading an exerpt from "Tuesdays with Maury" at Reece's funeral without breaking down. But Saturday was much different.
It is such an enourmous loss to our family, to Papa's community and the Legion. But we are thankful he is with Reece.
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Reece Ryde Memorial Golf Tournament

I have had many inquiries regarding the outcome of our first (possibly "annual") golf tournament at Pitts Golf Course @ Shields Town site. We had perfect weather, warm but not too hot. We took in (including raffle monies approx $2300, so after expenses, we raised very near $2000.
We would first like to thank Mr. Gary Prediger, Ms. Hazel Campbell, and all those involved with the beautiful Pitts Golf course, for donating the the course for the tournament. It is absolutely beautiful out there and you can tell the people of that community take much pride in maintaining their golf course! Not only that, but the hall they have built is a wonderful facility. This event would not have been a successful fundraiser had it not been for their generosity.
We wish to extend our deepest thanks to all those that attended, it touched our hearts to see so many familiar faces and know we have such amazing support. Thanks of course to our friends Rachel & Kelsey Ramey and Robyn & Marc Overacker, for coming from Athabasca to help out with that event. And thanks to Cassy and Kathy of course, for helping as you always do!!!! We are so lucky to have the family and friends that we do. Thanks again to Uncle Steve & Auntie Vanessa for the help & running the putting contest, looked like everyone enjoyed that!
Below are some pictures from our day on the course.

A Ray of Hope

We thought we'd share some good news with everyone. Aside from the fundraising going well, we have another development to look forward to. We are expecting another baby in early December. We desperately wanted to find out the sex at our ultrasound on Friday but unfortunately baby did not cooperate. Here are the pictures they provided. We did however get to watch the baby put it's thumb in it's mouth and suck. Very cute!! And although I had been worried that perhaps something may be wrong, as I've been sick and not gaining like I had with our other two girls, everything looked great on the ultrasound and baby measures slightly bigger than expected :)

Autopsy Results

We now know the results of Reece's autopsy and tests, and I thought the fastest and most effective way to share this information with those that are interested would be to write it here.
To start, at a Dr's appointment approx 3 weeks ago, my Dr told me she had received the findings of the brain samples that had been sent to BC for testing ( we do not have any neuropaths in Saskatchewan), the tests showed Reece did not have Meningitis.
This weekend Grant received a call from a local coroner, letting him know that although they were sorry to have to tell us this, they were unable to determine a cause of death for Reece. Grant asked "what about the stuff they were testing from her lungs" and the corner said they determined that was a result of the CPR.
After much discussion with our family Dr, we can guess it was likely some sort of pneumonia-related virus, which as such, would not show on an autopsy, and would hit an already weakened immune system, like Reecey's, quickly.

I was upset to not have a name to put on the 'thing' that took the greatest love of my life away from me. I guess I was hoping to have a disease or sickness to turn my energies on to eradicate from this earth in some way. Now I'm just left with reality. And after speaking with my Dr today, she reminded me, that that is all we have, the reality in front of us, and we have to deal with it and keep going.

As much as I want to, for many reasons, one being the new baby we are expecting in December, I can't help but replay that horrific morning, when Reecey reached her arms to me in the bathroom and said "mommy' and as I stood holding her waiting for the shower to steam the bathroom, she fell back, and I pulled her soother out of her mouth and saw her lips were blue.

And my baby was gone, as much as I desperately tried to bring her back, begging the universe to forgive me for whatever I did to deserve this, to please not take my angel from me. She was my joy. She was what made me happy.

And now I have to deal with the reality, that she is gone. I have no idea where to begin.

I suppose I've been 'avoiding' the grieving process, by waiting for the autopsy results, focusing on building a park in her memory, trying to keep up appearances that all is well, and that I can just keep functioning. Well the truth of the matter is, I'm human. And I can't keep up appearances. And I can keep avoiding reality.

Why put off until tomorrow, what you can do today.

With fundraising going so well in May, and hopefully to continue into the fall, it was decided why not move up the 'build date' for the park. This was largely thanks to a large donation from my Great-Grandmother Bertha Clarke's estate -we secured our plan to build next May long weekend. This was terribly exciting for me, as our initial goal was to have the park built sometime by August 2009! However, thanks to the generosity of our family, friends and the community we have now reached $27,000 and have decided that the build date for the park will now be the September long weekend 2008!!!! A year ahead of our initial goal! The amazing thing about this project is we have only received $400 total from official 'corporate' donations and $0 from government etc.

We are really hoping to raise a lot of money at our golf tournament, however, we haven't had many people register thus far. Thanks to Jenna @ C95, they along with their sister stations will spread the word. We are very excited about this tournament as it should be a great afternoon of fun, very laid back golf, friends and food! ALSO we have the generous support of Callaway golf! Every attendee to the golf tournament will get a little 'thank you' gift for just coming out. If you know anyone interested in coming out for 9 holes, texas scramble & supper (not to mention prizes on 6 holes for closest to the pin and other prizes!) PLEASE spread the word!! They can email Grant @ grantryde@sasktel.net to register.

Back to the park- I spent almost $6000 on park equipment today! This is just for 'the little extras' for the park, in addition to the main structure and swings from Blue Impe that we are ordering asap. Below is a picture of the main structure, designed with Reece in mind. We tried to have a component of music (she loved the sound of a piano) and lots of crawling/climbing stuff!
Hopefully it will be a hit!!

Thank You Thank You Thank You!!

Here's the latest on how fundraising is going-
We held a pasta night at Chianti restaurant. Although we didn't have a huge turn out for this event, we still raised $200 for the Park. The food was fantastic and Chianti's staff were fabulous!
The fundraiser we had this weekend was our BIG Garage sale. We had lots of people donate (Much thanks to the Collis Family, The Hellquist Family, the Lindberg family (including Cassy, Nicole & Aimee) and everyone else that dropped stuff off, and those that bought stuff! We still had a truck and van load of stuff left over, so we are going to hold another garage sale in 2 weeks in the City, to hopefully get rid of the rest of it. However in the end we raised over $595 (cash) and another $84 in change!!! Very successful as far as garage sales go I'd say!

A 3rd fundraiser that wrapped up this month was a Home & Gift order party held by Auntie Rachel in Athabasca, Alberta. For those that know Rach's Dad, Richard, please check out the picture closely... does that tree planter on the right look like anyone?!?!!? HAHA

We are now over $16,000. However, we have a significant amount of donations to be handed over to the Park Fund from the Town Office that came in over the Month of May.
So watch for the update this week!!! (I hope that 3 exclamation marks stress the excitement we feel)- let's just say, thanks to our generous family, May was VERY successful for the Park. SO much so, we know for a fact the park will be definitely be in place by next May if not earlier!!

The Next Big Thing.

The next fundraiser is a raffle, which we will begin selling NOW.
The raffle items have been donated and I'd like to thank the Ramada Hotel & Golf Dome in Saskatoon for so generously donating the main prize: a 1 night stay in a jacuzzi suite, brunch & 2 buckets of balls! The 2nd prize is a beautiful square cut purple amethyst and diamond ring (worth $400), donated by Ken & Isabelle Ryde (Reece's Grampa & Gramma). The 3rd place prize is a basket full of goodies- coffee, teas, chocolate treats, mugs etc (donated by Grant & myself).
Tickets will be 1 for $2, or 3 for $5. We hope to sell lots of tickets, and if anyone would like to take a booklet to sell please email us!
The prize draw will take place on June 28th, at around 5 o'clock (the end of the Reece Ryde Memorial Golf Tournament @ Shields Golf Course).
Call 492-4784 0r email therydes@sasktel.net

Spring Fling Dance!

Our Spring Fling Dance was a success. We had a fairly substantial turn-out, which consisted of lots of families which was great to see. I know that if Reece could have been there she would have been dancing up a storm right to the end like some of the little girls last night!
We raised over $1700. We are not entirely sure of the final amount as there were some auction items paid by cheque as well as extra donations, all being forwarded to the Town Office. Also the Dundurn Lions Club kept things running smoothly behind the bar and may also have a donation!
I can't thank people enough for not only attending the dance but for truly taking part in this event. Everyone came, got pictures taken, danced, ate & drank together, enjoyed watching the children have a blast, took in some great music (by 'The Three Canadians' of course!), bought tickets on raffles, donated raffles, donated food, helped decorate, helped clean up, sold tickets, bid on auctions... and on and on...
I really felt that our community was invested in our park.
And by doing that in an indirect way, I felt like there is a support for our family's recovery from the collective.
Grant and I have hoped for a long time to find a town to raise our family and 'be home' and we know we found it. We are getting so very close to our goal, and it is a credit to our friends, family and this community.
We will have an updated fundraising total this week, as we are just waiting for the Town Office's totals for this month. We do know one thing for sure- we have our first corporate donation. The staff & partners of Hergott Duval Stack & Partners LLP, came together and donated $3000. Which will be forwarded to the park fund this week. Pushing our total to over $10,000 for sure!
Very exciting to see our park becoming a reality! Big thanks again to all those that donated prizes to make this such a successful event. And thank you to Charlotte & Greg Hawes for organizing the volunteers and 'taking the bull by the horns and just doin' it'.
Here's some pics from the dance-