Motherhood is a blessing. And a curse.
Like the famous quote says: becoming a mother is to forever thereafter watch your heart walk around outside of your body.
This is true.

As our finale fundraiser for the Reece Ryde Memorial Park Fund we are selling tickets to a Mother's Day Buffet supper to be held on Sunday May 10th @ 5 pm at the Dakota Dunes Casino. Tickets are $15/person and you must of course be over 19 to attend. We will be giving out a couple door prizes. The Grand prize being the signed Anika Soremstan tour golf bag donated by Callaway. This is a valuable prize as Anika has now retired from the sport!

Please contact our friends/family or email or call us @ home to get tickets. What better way to thank your mom for a job well done- than a great supper! And skip the line-ups at the busy restaurants!

Where We Stand

This is just a quick note, for all our friends, family and blog followers :) To let you know just where we are with regard to the Park development and Reece Ryde Memorial Park Fund.
Once the ground thaws, we have one small addition to make to the main play structure. All equipment has been paid for and is in place. We currently have a few golf-related items that were generously donated last year, that we will be raffling off (tickets will be ready to go in March- see sidebar for more info). I expect to meet with volunteers in Spring to discuss what will go in the park for landscaping items. This will largely be decided by the school, as they have already met with a landscaper last year for their own purposes of improving the look of the elementary school grounds. I believe she provided them with a list of appropriate plants, trees and shrubs that would do well in our climate and soil. After the landscaping/planting etc is complete, I would assume we will have some funds left over.
There's been much debate on what to do with the remaining funds. Initially we had hoped to be able to purchase a piece of equipment or pay for some kind of training (if wanted) for the Dundurn and Area's First Responder's however, it seems the only thing they are in need of is a new fire hall :) and now perhaps a new firetruck, from what I overheard at the last Town Council meeting... unfortunately we won't have THAT much left over ;) ha
Most importantly the money must be spent in a way that improves the lives of preschool children in Dundurn. That has always been the goal.
If you have any suggestions please do not hesitate to contact us! And we will keep you posted on any further developments! Hope we see you in the park :)

Live in the Moment

Finally! I think I am learning to live in the moment.
I've found I've always 'wished' my time away. Always focusing on what was to come and not taking the effort to focus on today.
This was especially true for the time I spent with our girls when they were babies.
When they were newborns, I wished for them to be a couple months old, so they would be sleeping through the nights and beginning to be more 'interactive'. Then when they were a few months old, looking forward to when they would start solid foods, and start 'talking'.
I realize now, I was wishing away my precious time with them. Although I of course have fond memories of all of those stages with the Aiden and Reece, I don't think that I really took the time each day to appreciate it for what it was.
Thankfully, whether it is due to my age, or just circumstances being what they are, I'm truly enjoying each and everyday with Gabby, and taking it all in. I have caught myself thinking and saying that I don't want her grow up! That I'm enjoying our time together. I love our middle of the night feedings and cuddles. I often find myself frozen in a snuggle long after her bottle has been finished! And I think, "It's late! I should go to bed!" but I can't move! I just want to listen to her little baby breathing and her self-soothing sighs she makes.
This 'living in the now' thing is a hard change for me to make. I often am tempted to take on projects and jobs that I find interesting, without initially realizing it will take time away from what is important to focus on TODAY. Now that I realize I do this, I'm hoping that I'll now be able to recognize when I'm ABOUT to do it. But this comes with maturity and practice I suppose.
I'm thankful that although, some lessons are learned late in life, they are not learned too late.
I'm posting a video Grant took of Gabby and I enjoying some time together the other day. She has been trying so very very hard to communicate with us. Yesterday while watching the Superbowl with her Daddy, she copied some of his "oohs". A proud moment for Daddy :)



I added the following video the day after the original post. Gabby loves talking with her Dad!

Painting in the rain

For a moment imagine yourself sitting at an easel, with paints in hand, ready to paint a dreamy multicoloured landscape. But with each brush stroke the clouds roll closer and rain drops begin to fall onto your page. You move your paint around to try to mask the water drops but the more you paint the harder it rains.

That is how I would describe grieving. At least mine. At least in this moment.

Although I think of Reece all the time. I can keep the moments of complete and overwhelming despair away for days at a time. But when that grief creeps up it is all-encompassing and cannot be ignored. It's like you are at day one again. The pain is as deep as the moment we were told she was not coming back.

Thanks to the new baby I can try to focus 'the now' and on happy times ahead. But unfortunately when imagining those happy memories we will make in future, I think of Reece and what she is missing, and what we are missing not having her here. I guess that is what makes the loss of a child so hard. You also grieve what would have been.

When we were picking names for the new baby the popular choice by all family and friends was "Grace" (we knew we were having a girl). It seemed fitting, but I was not sold on it.
A day or so before the baby made her debut the name 'Gabrielle' popped into my head. Grant seemed to like it so we added it to the running list.

After the baby was born, Grant and I had a brief moment alone in the surgery recovery room. I said "We need to name this baby!". We both thought quietly for a moment, and I said, 'Gabrielle'. And Grant looked at me and said he had been thinking the same thing. I said to him, that I didn't 'know why, but something about it sounded stronger than Grace'. I suppose with her being early and the possibility of the hospital sending her to Calgary without us for a NICU placement, I guess subconsciously I figured she needed all the strength she could get...

What is eery about this, is although we took much time and research naming our first 2 girls, we were stuck for a name this time and all I knew was that Gabrielle was the feminie form of Gabriel.

My mother-in-law, Isabelle, looked up the meaning, and fantasticly enough Gabrielle meant 'valiant warrior' or something close to that. I just recently looked it up and a common meaning is "hero of God" and "God's messenger".

After being home with baby a couple weeks I heard another eerie story about her name. I had met Grant at the mall, he walked me to the car and told me a story he heard that day from a friend and co-worker at the school. It was a story of loss, this friend had lost their mother. Afterwards I guess they had done some reading about angels etc, because she told Grant that when she heard we named the new baby Gabrielle she cried, because the archangel Gabriel, is the angel that helps children into heaven. She may have thought we knew this previously but we didn't!! Needless to say as soon as those words came out of Grant's mouth I broke down crying in the parking lot. It was so amazing and almost supernatural.

Some people may not think there is a connection between your name and who you are in personality etc. But for us we've seen a connection for all our girls. First after having a scary medical emergency during my pregnancy with Aiden we knew her name meaning 'little fire' would suit her well, as she was always strong and unwavering during the emergency. She was perfectly healthy and now as an older kid, is very stubborn and independent.
Reece means 'enthusiastic' and anyone that knew her can tell you that is the best way to describe her, as she was always friendly, interested, and would try to find ways to entertain herself and others one her own.
So when we picked Gabrielle, we were hoping that the sense of 'strength' I felt in that name would help Gabrielle overcome her 'preemie issues', it did... and finding out the connection to the archangel Gabriel and his connection to children (and therefore Reece) hints to me that there are other 'forces' at work in this world.
At least I hope there is.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gabriel

http://www.luckymojo.com/archangelgabriel.html

http://www.sarahsarchangels.com/gabriel.html

New Addition

This week has been a whirlwind so far. But luckily in a positive and healing way!
We officially have all the items in the park paid-in-full! So, with the funds we have left and perhaps yet to receive/raise we will beautify and enhance the park for the little ones in Dundurn.
You might have thought by the title of the blog 'new addition' that we bought another fun item for the kids to play with in the park- but no! We actually welcomed 'our' new addition - Gabrielle Cassandra Ryde- to our family Monday November 17th, around supper time!
As we have been overwhelmed with calls, emails, Facebook messages etc etc asking 'how things went', I thought I'd write it once and save myself some energy.

Here's how it went:

'It' - the journey to having Gabrielle, as it were, began last week Sunday. When I went to the hospital with contractions (2nd day in a row). Was told they weren't 'doing' anything (physically) - just driving me crazy :) And to go home and wait some more.
THEN, this Sunday I went to be around 10 p.m. and shortly after those very same contractions came and went through the night, every 1/2 hour to every 15 minutes.
In the a.m. I counted them, coming closer together, with the same level of mild intensity, but not going away. Grant and I had an appointment at the Mall in the a.m. (9) so after taking Aiden to the sitter I headed to the city, and Grant was already in the city at school.
We joked about 'Murphy's Law' that morning, and I left my hospital bag AND camera at home, thinking we did want to have the baby but if we showed up 'prepared to stay' we'd be turned away.
...it worked!
After our appointment (and freaking out our banker! who was worried I might go into full on labour in her office! ha ha), we headed to the hospital.

With a mix of excitement, worry, happiness and great expectations we walked into emergency. While waiting to be 'processed' it hit me suddenly where we were, the last place I held my precious Reece. I looked around and behind me was the room, we were herded into upon our arrival the Emerg. when we followed the ambulance to the city that awful morning. I started to cry, but quickly looked to Grant, hoping that he too, wasn't in the same place emotionally and could be a distraction or source of strength. Luckily he was, he redirected my thoughts unto the task at hand and quickly we were through the processing and upstairs in the maternity ward hooked up to a fetal monitor (my favourite machine in the world) watching my contractions come and go.
I was 2 cm a resident told me, and so, the waiting game began. Drs were hoping the contractions would stop and we could get a few more days out of the pregnancy, as having a baby at 36 weeks, although considered full term, is not ideal.
So we waited a few more hours, and then a few more. Nothing changed other than the contractions became a bit more intense near the end.
We had a c-section around 6:30 or so.
We held our breath waiting to hear that first cry, and heard a few little noises but not any full-on screams.
Turned out that as a result of being a c-section baby and perhaps because she was a little early, she was very mucousy and needed a little extra oxygen as breathing on her own was not getting enough oxygen into her blood.
She would need to be watched and therefore would need to be in the NICU.

Here's where the drama begins...

The Saskatoon RUH NICU was full. No room at the Inn. NO VACANCY.
As were Regina and Edmonton.
We were told that she would need to be flown to Calgary with 2 nurses and MAYBE, if there was room in the plane, her Dad!
Obviously we were scared to death to say the least.
After about an hour, a miracle happened.
A NICU baby had graduated into the regular nursery! And there was room for our little one.
Ironicly enough, the very next day, when I went to see her for the first time in NICU we were told she was going to the regular nursery, and was just a little 'pukey' when she ate.

Within 24 hours she was just fine. Small, mind you, but fine.

That was Tuesday a.m.

Yesterday, after they ran standard tests and did a billirubin test to see how bad her jaundice was (it's minimal so far), we were given the go ahead to go home that evening!

And here we are.


Introducing:
Gabrielle Cassandra Ryde
Weight: 6lbs 10oz
Length: 52 cm (20.5 inches)

With Each Step Forward

I'm guessing that by now, people (in general) would be expecting that my grief would be somewhat lessened being that is has been almost 11 months since we lost Reece.

I sit watching the cursor blink, and I'm not entirely sure how to word my thoughts on this contemplation.

I know I had hoped that at sometime I would be blessed with some sort of enlightenment, a moment of bright light and a weight lifted from my heart. Perhaps a vision or dream, that would make me feel 'better', and maybe even convince me of an enchanted afterlife where our Reecey is playing and watching over us in a blissful happiness that could never have been attained here on earth.

But I can't lie. I've had none of this. In fact, for me I think everything is just as it was the morning I lost her.

Certainly, we, I, go about our days, weeks, months. Planning ahead. Trudging through. Towards what I don't know. The calendar keeps moving forward and yet part of us is still stuck in the past.

For some reason when Reece was here I had a fairly clear picture of where life would lead me, and us as a family. I had ideas of where I wanted to go for a career. What I had hoped to see our girls get involved in. What I hoped to see Grant aspire to in his career, and how we would all share in that as a family...

but now

everything went blank December 27th.

Maybe because this year didn't really happen for us. It's like 2008 did not exist. This year was dedicated to Reece and her memory, building a park, Grant busy with a new steady job, but still not 'permanent', Aiden dealing with her anxieties and adjusting to school, and me fumbling through work days, one just like the other, attempting to move us forward out of this rut with a pregnancy, which will soon be over....

then what?

Halloween came this year as always. I was less excited than usual perhaps because it took all the energy I had to try to be excited and not think about how I had looked so forward to last Halloween, when Reece was a lobster and Aiden was Snow White (for the 3rd year in a row!).

Last year, I had left my job with the City to, I suppose, force myself to make a career choice. To find something to pursue as a true 'career'. I was in the middle of an exciting journey. Our family was doing well. Reece hadn't had many ear infections, her health seemed to be turning around. She had less eczema outbreaks, and Aiden was coming into her own. We were in a new community, making friends and everything was full of promise. Grant was finding success and positive feedback from his temp work, which gave us much hope for the year.

We had so much to be thankful for.

This Halloween, we had decided to have a couple friends over, just as adults, dress up and have a few laughs. We didn't realize how hard this 'fun' time was going to be.

It was of course a Friday. Grant got home exhausted from a week of dealing with apathetic teens, running around, coaching etc etc I was wore out from yet another sleepless week, and a long day of being very uncomfortable.

We sat and cried together for a bit. The realization of how things looked before and how they were now, and perhaps scared and unsure of what the future holds hit us, I suppose.

Luckily it was too late to cancel the party. I told Grant it's not going to get easier for us, so we have to just keep going. I said it would be good 'practice' for Christmas. We just have to 'get through it'.

I know it was harder for him. I don't allow myself much time to think about our loss, because I'm pregnant, I can focus completely on this new person, and even if I tried not to, her pushes and kicks force my train of thought her way. Grant does not have that distraction.

We are in two different places right now in our grieving, that is for sure.

I suppose I should re-word that, to be truthful, he is grieving and I am doing everything I can not to.

We had 'family' pictures done a few weeks ago. I wanted this done for a few reasons, one to document the fact that I was pregnant (as not much evidence exists of the fact I had 2 other babies). Also, to get Aiden geared up and excited about her role as the big sister, and also, perhaps to show this baby that we were excited about her arrival before she got here.

I felt bad though, about doing the pictures. Our first ones without Reece. It seems unfair to call them 'family' pictures without her included.
I know it upset Grant as well.
He looks at the pictures and says he's happy with how they turned out... but there is such a pain in his eyes that it almost scares me.
I worry that he won't allow himself to completely open up his heart to this new baby. To maybe protect himself from getting hurt again, or to somehow 'honor' Reece... it's complicated and the mind works in different ways.

Probably a silly worry as anyone the knows him, knows he was meant to be a dad. It's a role that comes natural to him, whether he'd admit it or not. It was part of what drew me to him when we met. Babies (literally little babies) and kids of varying ages are drawn to him. I've witnessed a baby (Rach's daughter Emma) at about 8 mths old crying, not wanting to be comforted by her own grandparents, crawl over to Grant, without him saying a word, and at that time a complete stranger to her; put her arms up and cuddle on his shoulder. The look on her Grandparents faces was priceless.

But he is in a place right now that I wish I could help him out of. And I just hope he doesn't grow to resent me for trying for force us forward but adding this new baby into our family.
God knows that I could never replace or replicate Reece. She was my soulmate and idol. I don't expect to ever have that same connection again.
But we need to somehow keep putting one foot in front of the other, and hope that the pieces of our lives that have been jumbled up, will somehow reform and we'll have a picture of the future again.
A different picture, but at least something to look at.

That Time of Year Again

Last blog, I had succumbed to the virus making it's rounds in Saskatoon (thanks Grant!) and now just when I thought we were safe, Aiden has caught it. Poor kid, her eyes glazed, no energy, no appetite, sore throat (which I am hoping is just part of the virus and not the beginnings of strep in addition to this cold!) stuffy nose and cough. She said this morning "I'm not moving off this couch!". This was her response to my suggestion that we go see the family Dr. to get some advice on the situation. Funny how her attitude was basically a reflection of how I am feeling now!

This weekend for most people was a weekend to relax, watch some football and hockey, visit with family and gorge on turkey dinners and pumpkin desserts. For our family, we did manage to fit in one family supper on Sunday which was fantastic, but the rest of the weekend was filled by the sound of the clock ticking down to various deadlines Grant and I have.
For example, with Grant's teaching comes hours of marking/planning, between marking he was trying to fit in chores such as oil changes, yard work for his Gramma, recycling, and taking care of the 'baby' countdown chores, like setting up the crib, moving dressers from one floor to another, re-organizing the baby room (which he decided last night, needs to moved around AGAIN due to poor heating in that room). Aiden and I tried to fit in crafts, decorating for Halloween, catching up on 2 weeks of laundry :( , sorting and organizing bags of baby clothes.

I can safely say that Grant and I both were looking forward to going to work today for a rest! haha
However, I'm at home with Aiden and neither of us has much energy to do anything more than our one quick outing to the family store to load up on popsicles for her throat. We have been hard at work pinning down couches, watching YTV and Hannah Montana, and catering to our very annoying dog that thinks were are here only to let him in and outdoors every 10 minutes just for kicks.
I can only imagine things are going to get crazier as the weeks pass and Christmas gets closer. I've forewarned all relatives that we (or at least I) plan to do absolutely nothing over the Christmas season this year. However, it's going to be very difficult to fight the urge not to send out 100 Christmas cards and bake like I'm feeding the entire military. Thankfully, this ol' body has been pretty good at signaling to me when I've reached my limit on 'running around'.
For obvious reasons Christmas will be difficult this year, and I almost dread getting together with family as last years Christmas memories are still so fresh. All of us were together, watching Aiden and Reece enjoy their various presents. Aiden making her Uncle Steve and Auntie Vanessa play Polly Pocket, and Reece stealing Gramma Isabelle's fancy animal print high heeled boots, determined to walk around the living room to show them off, eventually giving in to accepting some assistance from Gramma Kathy. Christmas Day relaxing at my Mum & Dad's, cuddling with Reece and then making a trip to emergency because her ear infections were back...

Needless to say we will be grateful to have the positive distraction of a new baby and breaking tradition can always be a good thing too.

Speaking of distractions- Halloween is my favourite time of year. It's a time that is a celebration of creativity and fun! I know many people will remember from last year, that Reecey was a lobster, it was a hit costume everywhere she went! And she thought it was pretty great.
This year Aiden has been a wonderful help in creating and picking out various decor for the house. See below - some of our Halloween decor so far!!