Cold & flu season seems to have come early this year. Unfortunately for us it has hit our house. And as the pattern goes, when my defences are down, the sadness creeps in and takes over.
So needless to say, a day in bed yesterday led to a teary call to Grant at the school-day's end asking him to pick up flowers for Reece and for him to come home and take me to her.
I was laying in bed, thinking of my 'letter to Reece' homework that was assigned to me by my therapist months and months ago. That I have not been able to write. I've been thinking of it more often now, and almost felt like I could write it. But my mind swirls with guilt and regrets, and that letter becomes a rambling novel. Regrets that I will never see Reece and Aiden grow together as sisters, and see what her interests would have been. They were such a perfect match. Aiden very independent, stubborn, a leader and bossy. Reece also happily independent, but always admiring her big sister and enjoying her time with her, but never 'following' her. She was happy to go about her own 'business', but was very happy when her sister included her in play. It was such a beautiful balance between the two girls. Reece always seemed to play the role that whomever, was with her in that moment, needed.
I was the one who put her to bed every night. It was our ritual. I would carry her to her room. She would have her 'suzy' (pacifier) and her blankie. I would stand by her crib for a few moments rocking, hugging and kissing her. Then I would always say "you know mummy loves you? You're mummy's angel baby!" Then I would lay her in her crib. Sometimes she would respond with a little grunt, as if to say 'uh huh'. Then most but not all nights, we would play a little game, where if she did her little 'uh' grunt I would repeat it as I left the room, and then she would do so in return. We would go back and forth until we could no longer hear each other.
Worries crept in yesterday that what if this baby I am carrying now is that same personality type as Aiden. They would inevitably clash. Maybe they would both grow to resent me for creating this new family situation, one mad that the new baby sister is not like Reece, and the other resentful that she was brought into a situation where she would always be compared and never live up to that 'standard' set by a sister she never knew. I know this is out of my hands, what will be will be. However, this again is something I feel guilty about.
These (I think) are a mix of things that a grieving mother may likely 'normally' feel in this same situation as well, mixed with the way my mind works having anxiety to begin with. I was told once by the Dr. I first saw about my anxiety, that even if I didn't have 'anxiety', I'd probably be a 'worrier' .
Anyway, as I gained some composure, late last night I thought of some clips we have of Reece being Reece. Forever the entertainer. Reminding me SO much of Howie Mandel. I think because I remember hearing a story about him as a grade 8 kid calling various contracting companies pretending to be the Principal of his school, taking tenders on a brand new construction on the school property. As contractors started showing up on school grounds taking measurements, the Principal went out to investigate. The contractors would say "Nice to meet you, you must be the Principal Mr. Mandel!!)
Needless to say his parents were called in and he got into a bit of trouble.
I however, being a one-time middle years teacher, found this amazingly brilliant, and completely hilarious!! I could never get mad at a kid THAT creative!
This was something I saw in Reece. Her silly antics, that she would come up with on her own, always shocked me and was something that I was so excited to see where it led. We always joked that her college fund we had set up was going to be used either for Acting school or bail :)
She left us in stitches many times over.
So I thought I would re-post one of my favourite clips of her. see below:
No comments:
Post a Comment