Fumbling Towards Something

Lately I've been fumbling through. I thank the universe (and Reece) for bringing Gabby to us. She was a bright light in our dark existence to be sure. But now that she has surpassed Reece in age, which I was reminded a few days ago, I have lost again.

Until recently we could reminisce as if Reece were still in the room. Laugh about her milestones, compare her linguistic prowess to Gabrielle's pirate-like baby-lingo, and see glimmers of Reece's impish ways through Gabby's dare-devilish physicality. It's what parents do. Compare one child to another, and relish the differences, adore their uniqueness. Excite in what will come, and is yet to compare.

There's nothing now.

Reece is gone. Her time cut short at only 20 months.

I remember her as being so much more, than just 20 months. She had a 'way of knowing' that was beyond her.

But I'll never know who she would have become.

And again I count my losses. They seem to add up lately. One after another.

Maybe it's the time of year, that makes it difficult, but lately she is constantly on my mind.

Gabrielle turns 2 in a month. Normally I'd be planning, excited, looking forward to the occasion and bringing people together.

But now, it's all I can do not to cry all day at work. The mere glimpse of a thought of Gabby's birthday makes me sad. A picture of her and Aiden on my computer screen, serves as just another painful reminder that there is a 3rd child missing from the trio that should have been.

Christmas this year will be much like the year we lost her. She and Gabby so close in age, it will be hard not to be consumed with thoughts of her, and it will take everything in me to not let my grief overshadow the seasons festivities for the girls.

I already feel a pressure to 'keep up appearances' for everyone else starting and we are still months away from Christmas. Gabby was a great distraction while it lasted, but I suppose I knew all along that eventually I'd have to face facts- everyone moves on,

no matter how hard you dig in your heels.

It's what I've always done. Find distractions to focus on, rather than dealing with what is in front of me.

I am trying desperately not to give in to my strong desire to completely break with tradition this year and do something different. I suppose to avoid the impending 'performance' I'll have to put on, for family and friends, neighbours and colleagues. That "yay, great ! It's the holidays. Grrrreat an entire week off " to sit at home and remember Reece isn't here to share it with us.

Maybe I'll find some wisdom in some readings this week. Until then, I'll guess just keep fumbling.