Tomorrow we have an appointment with an Immunologist. To look at why our youngest is continually sick with Strep throat infections.
My concern is that while fighting one of these Strep infections, her poor little immune system will be so run-down, so weak that if she contracts some other virus (like Croup- which she had a few times last winter) she will not be able to fight off the virus.

like Reece.

I told the Dr that treated Gabrielle most recently (for an ear infection, which was treated by I.V. antibiotics- which in my opinion is pretty extreme not to mention traumatic) that history was going to repeat itself. It was literally playing-out before our eyes. Our worst nightmare, all over again.

Why was no one coming to our rescue?
Why wasn't there a Dr, a Specialist, a Scientist, ANYONE, coming to our aide and saying "HEY, we hear you! We understand how perilous this is! We won't just throw you the everyday treatment and the minimum required attentiveness. We will protect your daughter. We will take care of your family!"

No. Don't be fooled by naivety and false-idols.
If you want your child to be protected, if you want your child's best interests looked after- you better plan to do it yourself.

Tonight I decided to head to this appointment with as much information I could possibly provide. The Immunologist is going to look at Reece's medical history and Gabrielle's. I told him I would bring immunization reports and my copy of the official autopsy findings.

I had not read the autopsy results.

It took about 7 months or so to get the results. I believe they are dated July 2008. It was torture waiting for that envelop to come to us in the mail. I had hoped it would find an answer. Put a name to whatever it was that took her away from me. Give me something to be angry at. Give me something to hate, instead of myself. At least for a moment.
But by the time it came, our Dr had already got a copy, and had summarized it in a few sentences for us. She said it was likely a virus, something unknown, Reece was already so sick... etc
So I never looked past the first page. Not past the first line honestly.

But tonight as I grabbed the pile of papers out of the plastic tote we have filled with Reece's keepsakes, I thought I should read it. Maybe there was something in there that I should know. Maybe there was something that would help me form some helpful questions for tomorrow's appointment.
I wasn't wrong. But I certainly wasn't prepared for the wave of sickening grief that came over me.
As I read through the first page, I realized that this person writing it, was very 'official', they were following a process which they probably did daily. And Reece was just another 'body'. Just another number.
To say it 'hurt' to hear the Coroner describe my baby, Reecey, in such a way would be too simple.
The Coroner has to describe every little detail. Of course, I understand this.
But some things hurt so horribly, I don't have the words to describe it.
The Coroner noted the clothing she was in. It was noted that her jammie pants were dirty.

I broke down in uncontrollable sobs at that point.

I remember holding her in the Emergency room, after the nurses wrapped her little body in a hospital blanket and gave her to me for the last time.

The last time I held my baby, she was in a hospital blanket. She looked like she was sleeping.

I remember thinking at some point, either at the hospital, or after, that her 'blankie' was dirty. Of course it was, she took it everywhere. And yes her jammies probably were dirty. She was a busy toddler, into everything.

I had never read this report. But it had always bothered me that she may have looked untidy. Honestly it's always in the back of my mind when we go to the Dr now with Gabrielle.

I've never told anyone this.

But before we go to the Emergency with Gabrielle I always make a mental note of what she is wearing. I guess it's always in the back of my mind, what if this is the last outfit she is in. As if a yogurt spot on a comfy shirt, is somehow a black mark on my parenting. But somehow, it makes me question - will they think I don't love her if she's wearing old pajamas instead of a cute matching outfit?

I'm sure this all sounds ridiculous to some people. But to me I have always worried what people thought. I worry that if I go to the Dr too much, someone will think I'm a hypochondriac and therefore not a fit parent. If I don't go, then I'm neglectful. It's a quandary, and I'm continually trapped in it.

Needless to say, to have it pointed out, officially, on a report, by a stranger, that my baby had dirty jammie pants on, and no shirt (they cut it or took it off her at some point)... it hurt to hear it.
I don't want strangers to pass judgement on my level of love or commitment to my daughter. And really I shouldn't care. But I do. It's what I do, it's who I am. It's the way my mind works I suppose.

But as I said earlier, I wasn't wrong to think that there may be something in the autopsy report that may be helpful for Gabrielle's appointment tomorrow. There wasn't a lot of info in there but I do have questions. The finding was that she died of 'sepsis'. But how she got to that point, or what put her at perhaps a higher risk of getting to the point of being that sick, is what we need to know, in order to protect Gabrielle.

Hopefully answers will be provided sooner rather than later.